Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Circle of Choices

If the past year were offered me again/and choice of good and ill before me set/would I accept the pleasure with the pain/or dare to wish that we had never met? ― Augusta Gregory offers an insight into the doubts we have to fight, choices that we have to make, every day in our daily lives. We keep on checking our decisions, our wrongdoing, actions, and reactions. We keep track of all, and continuously doubt ourselves in all waking hours. To err is such a common happenstance that it is quite natural to doubt our choices especially when such choices are made by rebelling against the world. "Why did I come here? I thought. Why is it always only a matter of choosing between something bad and something worse?" ― Charles Bukowski. Is choice an easy task? What a battle that goes in our heads when we are faced with tough choices. It rips our heads apart; constant fear and doubt eat our innards. Some say it's all fate, is it? If it's fate then what about the tussle that a person has to go through while raking the brain for something that's already decided. I find John Galsworthy's idea of life and fate "Life calls the tune, we dance" little contradictory.

Sometimes choices are just thrusted upon us like a gust of storm. We aren't prepared for it. We may never be able to prepare for it. But at one point in time, such days come when you have to sit and decide, act and react to situations beyond your control. We make choices, but how far they are correct, who knows. In such circumstances, you are just struggling with all the noise "How did I get into the world? Why was I not asked about it and why was I not informed of the rules and regulations but just thrust into the ranks as if I had been bought by a peddling shanghaier of human beings? How did I get involved in this big enterprise called actuality? Why should I be involved? Isn't it a matter of choice? And if I am compelled to be involved, where is the manager—I have something to say about this. Is there no manager? To whom shall I make my complaint?" ― Søren Kierkegaard. It drives us mad. The possibilities and probabilities are numerous. To be able to think of all, and then there's a voice in your head that will keep telling you - "Make your choice, adventurous Stranger/Strike the bell and bide the danger/or wonder, till it drives you mad/what would have followed if you had." ― C.S. Lewis, the Magician's Nephew. Making choice against the wishes of the people we love is again a battle of the highest order. The valour and courage required in such instances are beyond any measure. There are factions in our head that will keep on juggling back and forth. Deep inside it is nothing but a simmering pothole of confusion and nonsense blabber that grows into a lake of fire. Sylvia Plath's struggle within seems so relevant –"choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between."  It indeed is tough to make a choice, to assess all and arrive at a logical decision which is acceptable to ourselves. In the end, we have to live with our choices. 

When everyday tripping like a battlefield
When you’re up against your own shield
Armour’s full of dust and holes
Turn into Achilles’ heel
Running in the dark from pole to pole
Devoid of life a dying soul
Sayings numb you around
Own clan is pushing you down
Folks keen on pulling you apart
Judging top and down from afar
All ears have gone deaf and eyes blind
Love in life leaves you in a bind
Screaming voice full of craze and sound
How fast does that heart pound
Home when turns into a battleground
You are bound to lose if you win
And the other way around.

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