If
the past year were offered me again/and choice of good and ill before
me set/would I accept the pleasure with the pain/or dare to wish that we
had never met? ― Augusta Gregory
offers an insight into the doubts we have to fight, choices that we
have to make, every day in our daily lives. We keep on checking our
decisions, our wrongdoing, actions, and reactions. We keep track of all,
and continuously doubt ourselves in all waking hours. To err is such a
common happenstance that it is quite natural to doubt our choices
especially when such choices are made by rebelling against the world. "Why
did I come here? I thought. Why is it always only a matter of choosing
between something bad and something worse?" ― Charles Bukowski.
Is choice an easy task? What a battle that goes in our heads when we are
faced with tough choices. It rips our heads apart; constant fear and
doubt eat our innards. Some say it's all fate, is it? If it's fate then
what about the tussle that a person has to go through while raking the
brain for something that's already decided. I find John Galsworthy's
idea of life and fate "Life calls the tune, we dance" little contradictory.
Sometimes
choices are just thrusted upon us like a gust of storm. We aren't
prepared for it. We may never be able to prepare for it. But at one
point in time, such days come when you have to sit and decide, act and
react to situations beyond your control. We make choices, but how far
they are correct, who knows. In such circumstances, you are just
struggling with all the noise "How did I get into the world? Why
was I not asked about it and why was I not informed of the rules and
regulations but just thrust into the ranks as if I had been bought by a
peddling shanghaier of human beings? How did I get involved in this big
enterprise called actuality? Why should I be involved? Isn't it a matter
of choice? And if I am compelled to be involved, where is the manager—I
have something to say about this. Is there no manager? To whom shall I
make my complaint?" ― Søren Kierkegaard. It drives us mad. The
possibilities and probabilities are numerous. To be able to think of
all, and then there's a voice in your head that will keep telling you -
"Make your choice, adventurous Stranger/Strike the bell and bide the
danger/or wonder, till it drives you mad/what would have followed if you
had." ― C.S. Lewis, the Magician's Nephew. Making choice
against the wishes of the people we love is again a battle of the
highest order. The valour and courage required in such instances are
beyond any measure. There are factions in our head that will keep on
juggling back and forth. Deep inside it is nothing but a simmering
pothole of confusion and nonsense blabber that grows into a lake of
fire. Sylvia Plath's struggle within seems so relevant –"choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between." It
indeed is tough to make a choice, to assess all and arrive at a logical
decision which is acceptable to ourselves. In the end, we have to live
with our choices.
When everyday tripping like a battlefield
When you’re up against your own shield
Armour’s full of dust and holes
Turn into Achilles’ heel
Running in the dark from pole to pole
Devoid of life a dying soul
Sayings numb you around
Own clan is pushing you down
Folks keen on pulling you apart
Judging top and down from afar
All ears have gone deaf and eyes blind
Love in life leaves you in a bind
Screaming voice full of craze and sound
How fast does that heart pound
Home when turns into a battleground
You are bound to lose if you win
And the other way around.
